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It’s been a lifetime since I’ve seen you but I feel your absence constantly;  sometimes a dull ache, sometimes suddenly and so sharply I can’t breathe.  I wonder where you are and what you’re doing, who you’re spending Christmas with and whether you pause for even five seconds to think of the daughter you abandoned.  Do you know that I still love you and miss you, despite my best efforts to pretend you never existed?  Do you wonder what happened to me and whether I’m happy?  Or do you somehow know that I’m as damaged as you are;  following in your footsteps in so many unintentional ways.  Do you understand what your abandonment did to me?  Do you understand that I can’t shake the feeling I’m so worthless my own father didn’t … couldn’t? …  love me?

Your absence is a hole I can’t fill, no matter how much I hurt myself to try to manage the pain and blunt the force of my feelings.  I hope that 2012 is the year I learn how to move past this and find a way to heal.  The most fucked up thing is that I would go through all the abuse and bullying and terror again if I could have just 5 more minutes with you telling me I was your little girl and you loved me.

Merry Christmas, Daddy, wherever you are.

my last Christmas with Dad

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